Daily Giggle 25th Jan 2021
10 THINGS TO PONDER IN 2021
1. The daftest thing I ever bought was a 2020 planner.
2. 2019: Stay away from negative people. 2020: Stay away from positive people.
3. The world has turned upside down. Old folks are sneaking out of the house and their kids are yelling at them to stay indoors.
4. This morning I saw a neighbour talking to her cat. It was obvious she thought her cat understood her. I told my dog…. We had a good laugh.
5. Every few days try your jeans on just to make sure they fit. Pyjamas will have you believe all is well in the kingdom.
6. Does anyone know if we can take showers yet or should we just keep washing our hands?
7. I never thought the comment, “I wouldn’t touch him/her with a 6-foot pole” would become a national government policy, but here we are.
8. I need to practise social-distancing …. from the refrigerator.
9. I hope the weather is good tomorrow … for my trip out to the bins.
10. Never in a million years could I have imagined I would go into a bank wearing a mask and ask for money.
MORE ONE LINERS
I took the shell off my racing snail thinking it would make him go faster. If anything it made him more sluggish.
The rotation of the earth really makes my day.
I’m only familiar with 25 letters in the English language. I don’t know why.
My friend keeps saying “cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.” I know he means well.
I meet my girlfriend at 12:59 because I like that one-to-one time.
Uncle Ben has died. No more Mr Rice Guy.
People who use selfie sticks really need to take a good, long look at themselves.
Thought I got lost on New Year's Eve, but then I found the Auld Lang sign. Combine Harvesters. And you’ll have a really big restaurant. I often confuse Americans and Canadians. By using long words. At the beginning of the year, I made a resolution to lose 15 pounds. Only 20 more to go!
I went to the doctor and he said, 'You've got hypochondria.' I said, 'Not that as well’.
I got fired from my job at the bank today. An old lady came in and asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.
Sometimes I tuck my knees into my chest and lean forward. That’s just how I roll.
Never criticise someone until you’ve walked a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticise them, they won’t be able to hear you from that far away. Plus, you’ll have their shoes.
My aunt died at precisely 10.47am and the old grandfather clock stopped at precisely the same time. It fell on her.
Rick Astley will let you borrow any movie from his Pixar collection, except one. He’s never gonna give you Up.
What’s the difference between a good joke and a bad joke. Timing.
Don’t you hate it when someone answers their own questions? I do.
My grandfather has the heart of a lion……and a lifetime ban from London Zoo.
Met my girlfriend whilst she was working at the zoo. There she was in her uniform – straightaway I knew she was a keeper.
You can’t lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon doesn’t come back, then what you’ve lost is a pigeon.
You know you're getting old when you get that one candle on the cake. It's like, 'See if you can blow this out.'"
I’ve given up asking rhetorical questions. What’s the point?
I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can’t remember his name, it’s P-something T-something R…”
I went to the doctor and he said, 'You've got hypochondria.' I said, 'Not that as well’.
I've had a Sh*t Christmas
I called the Doctor,. I said I've got Diarrhoea. I said it's hereditary. He said Diarrhoea isn't herditary.
I said, Well, it's in my Jeans. Bum Bum
SERIOUS LOCK DOWN ADVICE
Everyone PLEASE be careful because people are going crazy from being locked down at home!
I was just talking about this with the microwave and the toaster while drinking my tea, and we all agreed
that things are getting bad. I didn’t mention any of this to the washing machine, because she puts a
different spin on EVERYTHING!! Certainly couldn’t share with the fridge, cause she’s been acting cold and distant!
In the end, the iron straightened me out! She said the situation isn’t all that pressing and all the wrinkles will soon
get ironed out!
The vacuum, however, was very unsympathetic…told me to just suck it up!
But the fan was VERY optimistic and gave me hope that it will all blow over soon!
The toilet looked a bit flushed but didn’t say anything when I asked its opinion, but the front door said I was
becoming unhinged and the doorknob told me to get a grip!! You can just about guess what the curtains told me:
they told me to “pull myself together!”
We will survive!!
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ONE LINERS
Went to the zoo the other day, there was only one dog in it, it was a shitzu.'
A man walks into a psychiatrist's office wearing only shorts made of plastic wrap. The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts.”
If you arrive fashionably late in Crocs, you’re just late.
Saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah. I thought: "He's trying to pull a fast one.
The safest thing for the British public is to be stopped from going to pubs, football matches and places like Spain. This has only become more true now that Covid has hit.
Been learning German for 20 years. It's zwanzig Jahren.
A cowboy asked me if I could help him round up 18 cows. I said, ‘Yes, of course. That’s 20 cows.
ONE LINERS
I didn’t know my dad was a construction site thief, but when I got home all the signs were there.
My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.
Ordered a chicken and an egg online. I’ll let you know.
My wife is really mad at the fact that I have no sense of direction. So I packed up my stuff and right!
What do you call cheese that isn't yours? “Nacho cheese."
Strange times for cats. First the dogs kept inside, now the humans. Must feel like they've won.
A group of chess enthusiasts were standing in the hotel lobby discussing their recent tournament victories.
The manager asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked,
"because," he said "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."
Red sky at night. Shepherd’s delight. Blue sky at night. Day.
I said to the Gym instructor "Can you teach me to do the splits?" He said, "How flexible are you?"
I said, "I can't make Tuesdays"
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Sorry if this is upsetting to some. Couldn't resist
For our more mature readers
The old man placed an order for one hamburger, French fries and a drink.
He unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half, placing one half in front of his wife.
He then carefully counted out the French fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife.
He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them. As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them were looking over and whispering.
Obviously they were thinking, 'That poor old couple - all they can afford is one meal for the two of them.'
As the man began to eat his fries a young man came to the table and politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man said, they were just fine - they were used to sharing everything.
People closer to the table noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite. She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink..
Again, the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal for them. This time the old woman said 'No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything.'
Finally, as the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again came over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asked 'What is it you are waiting for?'
She answered
'THE TEETH'!
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Breaking News: The whole of Cornwall has been placed into tier 4 lockdown after hundreds of pirates returned home to Penzance to celebrate Christmas with their families...
Apparently the Arrrrr rate has increased dramatically...!!!
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DIGITAL SANTA 2020
The Camberley 41 Club Santa Float could not venture out last Covid Christmas. So, what could we do instead to raise money for our local Charities? Easy, we went digital.
Members searched their lofts and garages and their Partner’s drawers (so to speak) and found items they were prepared to disown, that would be worthy of re-sale or auction. A catalogue was prepared, and items were digitally offered for sale (proceeds to charity) on eBay, and local digital marketplaces. A good example was the autographed Cliff Richard Sweater that auctioned for £150. Some members made personal donations, well the Government does say if you don’t need your annual fuel allowance, give it to charity.
Now we normally raise about £8000 with the Santa float, on the streets and at Shopping Centres, but our Digital Santa raised a total of £1880.15, all of which is being donated to our chosen charity, which is The Besom*. Camberley 41 Club is thrilled and delighted to achieve this result first time out. It was relatively easy and perfectly safe. Perhaps it is a blueprint for the future, either at Christmas or throughout the year. The side benefit being we might clear our houses of junk and save our kids the bother.
It would have been easy to “have a year off”: But not us! As a result, a very worthy Local Charity, The Besom*, run entirely by volunteers, is better able to help meet the varying needs of Local residents through giving out tailored packs of essentials including food and household basics. Well Done Us.
41 CLUB CONNECTS ZOOMS
For Full Details and Log-Ins for all the upcoming 41 Club Connects Zooms, CLICK HERE
26th January at 19.30
4th February at 19.30
HOWARD'S QUIZ WITH TANGENT
Well Done and Thanks to Howard Ford for being quizmaster at the ZOOM 41 Club and Tangent Quiz last Monday 21st December.
Looked like we had at least 45 people on-line that night, which is a record, hard to beat.
Vincent Van Gogh at 41 Club
n 23.11, Camberley 41 Club had 26 members attend a Zoom meeting on the subject of The Later Life of Vincent Van Gogh. Our extraordinarily excellent speaker, was Dr Denise Bundred, a Consultant Cardiologist and the wife of one of our members, Peter Bundred. Not only did Denise brilliantly explain Van Gogh's psychological state, and late acceptance of his talents by contemporary Impressionists, she recited a number of poems she has written concerning various of his paintings. An example is shown below. I never realised how erudite and educated are our members.
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